It was declining, the bank said, for one or more of the following reasons: -

• 'You are not making your regular minimum monthly payment/s by the due date/s on your statement every month
• You are not using your card within your agreed credit limit
• We appraise your financial circumstances using credit scoring. Unfortunately at this time you are not eligible for credit from Citi Cards
• We appraise your financial circumstances using data from credit reference agency Experian Limited. Unfortunately at this time you are not eligible for credit from Citi Cards.'

Standard issue stuff. The reply, however, is the kind of letter we all wished we would send.

After soberly pointing out that the account had in fact been closed on 19th January 2005, the letter delivers a thorough kebabing:

‘Since you have been so informative in giving a multiple choice of reasons why you cannot issue me with a replacement card, I feel it only fair if I reply in similar vein as to why I would not request a credit card from Citigroup.

'Please be advised that I would not enter into any financial business arrangement with Citigroup due to one, or more, of the following reasons:

• Your valuation of sub prime exposure of $55 billion at 30th September 2007 was wildly optimistic and evidence of reckless and uninformed use of shareholder’s funds.
• Your subsequent write down of $18.1 billion evidenced the folly of your flawed business plan.
• Your correspondence to me shows that the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing.
• Your CEO, Charles Prince, resigned after presiding over the largest losses ever incurred by Citigroup.
• Your “fast and efficient” call centre is not.

'I apologise for any inconvenience this may cause you. All decisions on credit cards are subject to a number of factors. These decisions are based upon my experience over a number of years that include a thorough review of your circumstances.

'My procedures are under continuous review but it is doubtful that I would re-apply for a credit card with Citi Cards within the foreseeable future.'

And the final coup de grace?

'I note that a £4.00 credit balance on my account was transferred to suspense on 28th June 2006. Please repay this amount to me.'

I’m sure we all look forward to Citi Card’s reply.